As life goes forward, the only direction it tends to move, you start to change your perspective on the world around you. Specifically, you start to change your perspective in the house around you as your kids get older (and more annoying). Being an active father is not an easy job by any stretch of the imagination, but at the same time it's not difficult either. Basically it encompasses being involved and raising your children to the best of your ability. Sometimes it means suppressing what little sanity you have left.
A couple years ago I wrote a tender post, an introspective on the life of a father. While most of that holds true, I think there are some real truths that I might have missed and for all means and purposes - it was way too sappy. Yes, Father's Day is just as much about the children as it is about you and, yes, it means spending time with them and your own father and so on. But there are some very simple things that I ask for every Father's Day because, let's be honest, it's not Mother's Day and the fact that they haven't smothered me in my sleep is gift enough.
Now that I have a teenager and a pre-teen and a female child under the age of seven, Father's Day is a much different event. Two out of three children don't care (and I don't demand that they do) and the other one does what she can to wear me out running around the living room. Oh wait, that's pretty much every afternoon after work.
Yet, while I would generally prefer to keep Father's Day a non-event, they have made it their mission to pester me until I give them a plan for the day. And while I've also outlined that in the past, my plan has changed a bit. I've scrapped the plan, I just have demands. So here are my five simple demands for this years Father's Day.
Simple Demand #1: Don't Buy Me a Card
One of the best things about holidays with young children is getting a hand-drawn card. Adults tend to ruin this sometimes by taking children to buy store-bought cards. I'd rather my daughter crayon draw a disfigured giraffe on a piece of scrap paper and write "I love daddy" rather than some cheesy store-bought card with some idyllic and cookie cutter message on it. I throw store-bought cards away. Some people keep them in a drawer. If I had a fireplace I'd burn them. Meanwhile, I have a drawer full of hand-made cards from my kids.
Mind you, this expectation is only for the little ones. The older kids have a different demand: don't draw me a card. Because teens tend to fill their cards with line drawings of phallic body parts and statements like "dad smells." Har har. I've read that card before, you're so freaking hilarious, kid, go play outside.
Simple Demand #2: Moar Bacon
I don't want breakfast in bed; that's just awkward and only happens in movies about lower upper class families and their first world problems. I do want breakfast though, but unlike the massive and amazing spread that I cook on Mother's Day, I don't require the same. There is this conception that guys are simple creatures — well, we are.
Here's what I want for breakfast on Father's Day, which I will share with my family of course. I want no less than a half pound of bacon. Don't you worry about whatever diet I'm supposed to be on. If there is one day besides Talk Like a Pirate Day that I can let loose and eat what I want, it should be Father's Day. So, a half pound of bacon followed by a tall glass of Monster Rehab energy drink (love this stuff) and a couple of un-toasted Pop Tarts. That's it.
For lunch, I want a bacon and cream cheese sandwich on wheat toast. Make sure the bacon and toast cools before you make the sandwich cause otherwise the cream cheese melts. Never mind, I'll do it. If there is any leftover bacon (I doubt it at this point) just put it on the side and I'll fit it in between bites.
Simple Demand #3: No New Tools
I know, this sounds weird, but hear me out. As someone who is pretty handy and has always fixed (and broken) things around the house, I've amassed a large collection of tools. I'm sure plenty of you maker geeks can associate with having a set of screwdrivers and wrenches in every major room of the house and your car. While my power tool collection leaves something to be desired, my handheld tools are pretty fleshed out.
More often than not, the three major gifts for Father's Day are tools, ties and gift cards to Best Buy. The thing about tools as a gift, unless your wife is also handy with tools, is that generally she has no idea what she's buying you or if you need it. I have received many of those cheap, front-of-the-store discount sets of screwdrivers or drill bits. Not only do I have many sets already but they are generally of much higher quality. They mean well though, so the best thing to do is smile, say thanks and find the receipt.
My kids have never gotten me a tie, mostly because they have never seen me wear one. I'd like this trend to continue so if you must get me an article of clothing, I could really use some new socks.
Simple Demand #4: No Fighting
I'm not a stay-at-home dad like a lot of fathers these days, so when I see my kids it's really for a relatively short time. I guess this makes my time with them more special, yet they only seemed to realize this at the toddler/elementary school age. The 6-year-old, she wants to spend time and play and I appreciate that. The other two, all they want to do is fight.
Now, I have a brother and we're about two years apart, the same as my boys. There is something about that age difference that causes constant conflict. Also, do you notice they tend to fight more when both parents are present in the house? It's like they are vying for attention. Go figure.
Like some parents (not many these days) I let them fight. I stand over them, watching for aggression and any illegal moves like head punching or nut slapping. Usually the rest of us get out some money and slap down bets, though generally the 11-year-old wins because of his 20 pound weight advantage. Regardless, as a responsible parent letting them fight it out requires constant vigilance and on Father's Day, I shouldn't have to be playing referee. So knock it off, you two. There is a reason I hung a freaking punching bag in the garage. Go sweat it out.
Simple Demand #5: Nookie?
In a message to the wives of the world, dad blogger CC Chapman opines; "Us guys are pretty easy to figure out. We like the simple things in life and while our individual tastes may differ, one thing we all love is quality time in the bedroom. So this Father’s Day when you are fretting over which gadget or tie to get us, why not skip those and give us what we really want: SEX!"
For the most part I agree. Drop the kids off at a park two counties over or with a babysitter and spend some quality time together. However, in order to not make this like every other Thursday there are a couple caveats. First off, baseball stays on. Second, if there is leftover bacon, that is somehow involved. Figure it out. Third, speak to me only in Klingon - nga'chuq! luq! luq! qaStaH nuq?
In keeping with the light-hearted and sardonic Father's Day theme in this post, here's a video from Errol (the male half of geek pop act Debs & Errol) with his adorable daughters singing his original song, "Super Dad," something we all aspire to be and most likely already are.
Image: C. Silver. Note: when my daughter saw that I used this image as the header, she grabbed the original drawing, turned her back to me and crumpled it up. She was not happy. I don't think she wanted the world seeing her private art. So, if you'd like to compliment her on her art in the comments, that would be awesome. Carry on.
