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The Higgs boson -- known as the "God particle" and "The Particle That Sounds Like the Name of a Private Eye in a Late-'80s Action-Comedy" -- has finally been located, thanks in part to the tireless efforts of scads of dedicated scientists, but mostly thanks to Find My Subatomic Particle, available now in the App Store.
While the significance of this discovery cannot be overstated or clearly explained, there remain a number of currently theoretical particles that are maybe not as important as HigBo, but are still very fundamental to our understanding of how the universe works and how research grants are distributed.
Discovering one of these "gosh particles" means a surefire Nobel prize for some lucky scientist, as well as a good chance at making the final four on America's Next Top Theoretical Physicist.
McQuark
This subatomic particle is found in all McDonald's food, and is the reason that all the menu offerings -- including the burgers, shakes and dipping sauces -- taste "McDonaldy," as if they were all just carved out of a big lump of McSubstance. Currently, the McQuark is the universe's only trademarked subatomic particle, although Motorola, maker of the Photon smartphone, is attempting to gain traction against Apple's battery of lawsuits by patenting actual photons.
Sleeptons
Close relatives of the Higgs bosons, sleeptons provide gravity specifically in the direction of mattresses, comfy couches and especially cushy patches of clover. Whenever you feel that the bed is physically pulling you back into it, that's the sleepton at work. Science is currently trying to discover why sleeptons are particularly powerful between the hours of 6 and 9 in the morning.
L Boson
While gluons provide the strong nuclear force and the W and Z bosons provide the weak nuclear force, the L boson is the carrier of the "wimpy nuclear force," the least-powerful force in the universe. L bosons are responsible for the bond, such as it is, between 14-year-olds and family vacations; American beer and flavor; and geeks and honeysuckle-vanilla body wash.
Like-Neutron
Scientists have long wondered why an automobile loses half its value as soon as you drive it off the dealer's lot, especially given that most new cars have been test-driven several times. This particle is the most likely culprit. In the Kreggs-Liszt atomic model, when any item -- from a paperback book to a hatchback Golf -- is purchased, the neutrons in its atoms start transforming to like-neutrons, reducing its value. Etsy's world-renowned particle-physics research division is currently looking for a way to reverse this process, possibly a method involving a hot glue gun and old manual-typewriter keys.
Barryons
Barry White: A fat man who sweated like a cheese wheel in the August sun every time he hit a note higher than middle C. Barry Gibb: A puffy-cheeked wannabe-castrato with hair made of purest meringue. Barry Manilow: Combining the worst facial features of Rowan Atkinson and Richard Branson. How did these men become sex symbols? The answer is the barryon particle, which, in the presence of gel lights and ludicrously wide lapels, exudes a force of pure sexuality. Scientists are still searching for the anti-barryon using a state-of-the-art particle accelerator built in the vicinity of They Might Be Giants.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become an astrophysicist, a geophysicist and a ginphysicist.
