The millennial generation’s discretionary cash isn’t being mashed into avocado toast. It’s being spent on cell phones, smartwatches, wireless headphones, and Netflix subscriptions. Senior reviewer Adrienne So says we pay this much for little things because the big things are broken. If we can’t fix health care, rid ourselves of student loan debt, or compete with skyrocketing housing prices, we may as well treat ourselves to The Witcher on a big ol’ flatscreen.
I think she’s right, in no small part because, over the past two weeks, I’ve discovered a new must-have for fellow techno-nihilists: A $599 electrified toilet attachment called the Bidetmega 400.
Butt tech: The next thing you didn’t know you needed. Coway’s heated seat, heated water, auto-cleaning, blow-drying, and night-light-laden throne is a masterpiece of comfort and cleanliness I now can’t live without. If I’m gonna Uber to the hospital because I can’t afford an ambulance, I might as well do it with a sparkling undercarriage.
It’s basic armchair philosophy: If you got pooped on by a bird, would you wipe it off your skin with some two-ply and keep walking? No. You’d use water. The bidet is better, right?
Not necessarily. There’s no indication that the amount of microbial junk in our trunks (about 0.14 grams in the average American wiper, according to fellow WIRED writer and bidet enthusiast Jason Kehe) is an actual health concern. I couldn’t even find peer-reviewed evidence that suggested using bidets is actually cleaner, which is crazy because bidets make me feel so much cleaner.
The real reason to use a bidet, I’ve learned, is how gently they clean your nether regions. Some studies have shown that bidets may be helpful for people with hemorrhoids or other issues where wiping causes physical discomfort (or, in some cases, more damage). Medical professionals also say they are good tools for people with physical disabilities. They're also popular in several parts of the world, just not the US.
The Bidetmega begins its magic as soon as you descend into its ergonomic clutches.
A pressure sensor on the front of the bold, slanted toilet seat automatically tells the bidet to rinse itself clean—trickling a bit of water below you, as though self-aware of the generation of economics that led to this moment. At the same time, the Bidetmega starts heating the seat to one of two temperatures (three if you include leaving the heat off entirely).
My butt now follows the seasons. I prefer the hot setting during the dreary Portland winter but envision myself transitioning to medium heat in springtime and no heat in summer. It's mega fast, reaching a warm temperature in about a minute.
After you’ve done your business, you press the Rear or Front buttons on the included remote—which is wireless, and thus a hilarious way to surprise a visiting friend or relative.
