2018 wasn't the best year for anyone, let alone tech: the Cambridge Analytica scandal made Facebook smell even worse, Google was hit by a €5bn fine, and Elon Musk was… busy. Let's move on from the burning dumpster fire that was 2018 and look forward to what comes next: a fresh year of traumatic politics, climate-change horrors, and yet more Facebook scandals.
All that we can be really certain about with the coming year is that it can't get much worse (of course it can). Here's our apparently annual look at what might happen this year, and what probably, mostly likely, hopefully won't.
January
Might happen: The British government finally rolls out its age-verification scheme for online porn. Three days later, a hacked list of age-verified porn enthusiasts lands on Pastebin, littered with the names of MPs who backed the scheme — and your mum. But good for her; no sex shaming here.
Might not happen: Samsung finally unveils its much-rumoured folding smartphone at CES, the Samsung Galaxy Flex, marking the first time in a long time anything interesting has happened at CES.
February
Might happen: Elon Musk gets high and unveils his latest startup idea on Twitter: electric vehicles on sky-high platforms above traffic. Critics mock that he's reinvented metro trains; his acolytes reply in unison that he's a genius man of action; everyone else gets the monorail song from The Simpsons stuck in their heads.
Might not happen: Musk backs a joint venture with a local public transit authority, addressing real transport issues using simple but innovative solutions, starting with bus rapid transit systems and separated bike lanes.
March
Might happen: The UK exits the European Union without a formal deal in place, sparking an exodus of startups to Berlin, VCs to Amsterdam, and Brits to the pub. Silicon Roundabout's newly unemployed startup founders find employment as bartenders in the revitalised bar industry, where they make more money from fewer hours work.
Might not happen: WeWork is acquired by Wetherspoons.
April
Might happen: Women as superheroes will become the norm rather than newsworthy, thanks to Brie Larson in Captain Marvel and Gal Gadot returning as Wonder Woman. This summer, the only thing resting on Carol Danvers shoulders will be the fate of the world, rather than feminism, too.
Might not happen: No-one on the internet has a problem with this. Someone shares a photo of a floofy doggo on Twitter, and the good boy gets 32.3 million likes.
May
Might happen: A slow, persistent bitcoin sell-off reduces its value to near nothing, revealing the digital currency was nothing more than a pyramid scheme for tech bros. Ethereum, Bitcoin Cash and Tether leap in value.
Might not happen: A startup finds a clever and innovative way to use the blockchain, runs a successful pilot test, and begins actually using the technology as more than a clunky, over-hyped database. Nah, too far fetched.
June
Might happen: Virgin Galactic launches its first tourist space flight, pipping Elon Musk's SpaceX.
Might not happen: Musk has a seat on the flight, confusing everyone, including himself.
July
Might happen: Uber holds its IPO. After going public, fares climb to what they would have been without investor cash to burn though. Unable to pay fares that enable drivers to make a living,, people learn to take the bus again.
Might not happen: Alphabet shutters Waymo, admitting that by designing driverless cars that require drivers, they've merely recreated Uber. And nobody wants that.
August
Might happen: Donald Trump is recorded saying something stupid and offensive. In a pre-dawn tweet, he decries it as "Fake News" and for once, he's right as the video turns out to be an AI-generated "deep fake". Trump's chief of staff, whoever that is by this time, claims all previous offensive statements are also fake. Truth continues its slow path to obsolescence.
Might not happen: In a bid to prop up its falling user numbers, Facebook buys Tumblr. Then, Geocities. Then LiveJournal. An ancient prophecy is fulfilled; Elon Musk stirs in his sleep.
September
Might happen: Apple quietly releases an iterative update to its popular smartphone.
Might not happen: Apple announces a new budget iPhone, dubbing it the iPhone IN XS. It markets it as the "first budget luxury iPhone". Is immediately sued by the moderately successful Australian rock band of the same name.
October
Might happen: Twitter finally cracks down on abuse across its platform, successfully using a combination of AI and human moderators to prevent hate speech and harassment. Jack Dorsey is banned from the platform.
Might not happen: Samsung diversifies its Flex lineup, introducing the Samsung Galaxy S Flex, Samsung Galaxy Note Flex, the Samsung Galaxy Edge Flex, Samsung Galaxy Flex Mini, Samsung Galaxy Alpha Flex, and the Samsung Galaxy Note Flex Mini Edge Alpha. The Apple iPhone IN XS sells out.
November
Might happen: Facebook is hit by another data abuse scandal. Hundreds of millions of Facebook users protest by deactivating their accounts, but accidentally log back in three days later and are convinced to stay by a photo of their cousin's fluffy new puppy and a video detailing a conspiracy theory about US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez' shoes.
Might not happen: Zuckerberg steps down as CEO of Facebook, closes his own profile, and retreats into oblivion for six months. Jack Dorsey is appointed CEO. Zuckerberg returns to the public sphere with a best-selling memoir, Leaning In to My Struggle, detailing his regret at building the social network and announces a run for US president. Loses in the primaries to Ocasio-Cortez.
December
Might happen: The deep-fake video of Donald Trump turns out to be real; the Samsung Flex lineup bursts into flames; bitcoin climbs to $25,000 as desperation has a resurgence. Nothing is new, not even the mass realisation that 2019 was somehow even worse than 2018, an annual cycle of realisation and regret that will never end in our times.
Might not happen: The clear consequences of our failure to work together on serious challenges like climate change, racism and inequality inspires a global movement towards collaborative politics, with a new wave of intelligent, empathetic and non-partisan leaders working together to find real solutions. The world does not end in a hot blaze of deprivation and violence; instead, we are happier, healthier and Twitter's user number falls to zero.
This article was originally published by WIRED UK
