WIRED Reviews: Pets

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Hi, this is Roux.

She gets a solid six out of 10.

The wired is that she's very cute.

She's very smart.

And she's very old.

She's about 12.

Tired, she stinks sometimes

and she wants to eat the FedEx man.

Sorry.

This is Gandalf.

He's a 16 year old Turkish Angora

who likes sitting on laps

and helping with puzzles.

Wired, he's a, bad-ass, one-eyed pirate.

He's got a strong cuddle game

and he's softer than anything else on the planet.

Tired, he only drinks water out of the bathtub faucet

which means that he interrupts us at all hours of the day

and night so that we will go and turn on for him.

Score, best out of 10.

And this is Tobu.

He's a Korean rescue.

He's four years old.

What's wired about him is he's really sweet.

He doesn't really bark.

He sleeps a lot.

And all he really wants is for someone to pet him.

What's tired about him?

Well, I'm pretty sure he's a cat.

No, really, I think he's a cat.

Still, wired recommends 11 out of 10.

Today. I am reviewing Huxley.

He is 10 years old and he was found on the street

and now lives a very lavish life of lounging

in the sun and napping under the covers in our bed.

However, occasionally, he bullies his sister out of dinner

and he gets poop, stuck to his butt

and runs around our apartment until it flies off.

15 out of 10, obviously.

Huxley has a sister, Ms. Eely Rue.

She's also gonna get that 15 out of 10 rating

because she is a rare female ginger cat.

And she's very budget conscious.

She would much rather play with a toilet paper roll

or a balled up tissue, than expensive toys.

This is Frank.

Wired, very floofy very cuddly, extremely friendly.

Tired, currently.

And, also, he likes to eat rocks..

Don't you, bud?

Looking for rocks, Frank?

Yeah.

This is Luna.

She gets an eight out of 10.

She lets me hold her like this

which is possibly my favorite feature.

She has street-smarts from her former life as a stray.

And she's obviously the prettiest girl in the world.

She's tired because she is fully aware of how pretty she is.

And I think she might be plotting to steal my boyfriend.

And there's some overenthusiasm in the use of claws there.

But overall, eight out of 10, because I mean,

look at this thing.

And this is Ferris.

Overall, Ferris gets a seven out of 10.

He is always down to cuddle.

He's tired because he's kind of a himbo.

I love him, but he's not the smartest.

This is Petra.

She is a short hair tortoiseshell cat.

Wired is that she's super cute.

And she purrs real loud

and she has these giant thumbs.

Tired is that she likes to jump up onto the soundbar

whenever we're watching TV.

And, that's really annoying.

But still I give her, like a, nine out of 10.

What do you think?

Yeah.

This is Luna.

She is a nine-year old French bulldog .

Wired is that she is the loveliest,

most cuddliest dog you've ever met.

She loves to be in the car and go on trips.

She's the champion of naps.

But she also loves to run really fast on the beach.

She cleans the kitchen floor when we're done cooking

and demands you go to bed with her at 9:00 pm.

Tired, she has acute glaucoma

and she's already lost one eye

and we're doing the best we can to save the other.

Rating?

Three million out of 10.

[kissing sounds]

And, this is my review of Nougat.

[chuckles]

Wired, he is the best pandemic housemate

that you can ask for.

He doesn't say much.

He's very cuddly.

And he's the only cat I know to have been the inspiration

for an entire mobile operating system,

which Google has not yet confirmed

but I just know deep in my heart, it's the truth.

Tired, Nougat is tired a lot.

And he'd he naps all the time.

And he likes to nap in the linen closet

which is fine until I go to grab a towel

and it's just covered in fur.

Speaking of fur, he likes to sniff his own fur

after I have brushed him.

Which I think is a little strange,

but he says is a feature, not a bug.

Lastly, let's just say he doesn't have much

of an appreciation for home decor.

All said and done, my totally objective review

of Nougat is that he is actually the best cat

in the Universe.

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